Friday, February 1, 2008

For me, 2008 starts in February

Two posts this week on my RSS feeds felt like they were written directly to me: It’s Going to Get Better over at English Major’s Money and When Times are Hard at Executive Assistant’s Toolbox.

I feel like I’m taking two steps back in almost every area of my life. I recently went back to school (aren’t I supposed to be done with notes and tests?), my knees are busted and bruised from a new choreography (when do I quit tripping over my own legs? I’ve been in the company for almost three years!), I still live like a college student (my most expensive piece of furniture is a futon!), I just spent about half my emergency fund and I’m about to go back to eating beans and rice and having no money for anything all over again till it’s built back up and even then I’ll still be broke.

The crux of most of this stress is that this morning I signed a lease on my own one-bedroom apartment.

I should be celebrating that, and to some extent I am, but today was supposed to be the day that Mr. Boyfriend and I were moving in together, and instead I am moving in and moving on with my life alone. I went from a rock-solid (I thought) 3+ year relationship that was about to go to the next level, and in the blink of an eye discovered myself single, losing my boyfriend/best friend for reasons I’m still not entirely sure of. Pretty much five minutes later, for reasons that I understand a lot more, my roommate decided to move back home, so I was forced to stick to my moving schedule instead of having more time to save or just stay where I was.

It’s amazing how violent change can feel. I really do feel like I’ve been physically hit every day during the last six weeks. The storm is passing—my broken heart is healing, I now have a place to move into, most of the distasteful conversations I’ve been dreading have been had, I DO have enough money to keep moving forward and I’ve been through leaner times than these, I found greater strength in myself than I expected, and friendships deeper than I realized—but it still helps to read that others in my peer group are facing the same doubts and fears that I have sometimes, and to find different ways of coping with them.

5 comments:

  1. I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. I had a very similar situation a few years ago (3+ years, no idea what happened)...However, he kept the apartment...I moved to another state!

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  2. Thanks for the condolences. Maybe I'll figure it out someday; in my case, I'm lucky we hadn't moved in together before he realized this!

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  3. I am in the same boat! I have just ended a 3 yr relationship with my BF (boyfriend/best friend) which I thought was rock solid...and I'm not entirely sure why either. He just has personal issues to work out that have nothing/little to do with me, and I can't fault him for that--or wait around thinking he'll "be ready" in just a short time. The truth is he may not, and I have to move on with my life.

    This week I closed on my first rental property and it was so bittersweet because all I wanted to do was share the experience and celebrate with him.

    At least you have your emergency fund! To suddenly find oneself without a roommate in NY would totally derail some people. I too know that I am lucky, but change is still hard.

    (Thank God I'll be out of town in 7 days when all the roses and gifts start arriving to the office, to my apt, but not to me - I highly recommend a girls trip for you right now)

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  4. meg, so glad to know I'm not alone in this "boyfriend personal issues" situation!

    I wish I could take a girls day next week, but I have CLASS that night. How unromantic.

    The emergency fund is helping ease the pressure of the last few weeks a little, but the truth is, if I'd needed to, I could have moved into a share with roommates, which would have been cheaper--but at this point, for my sanity, I need to live alone for a while. Change is SO hard!

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  5. I'm just going to make it my mantra: It's going to get better, it's going to get better, it's going to get better...

    I'm sorry to hear about your relationship. I dread having to have that "So, where are we going with this?" chat with my boyfriend. But as you said, it's for the best that this happened before you guys moved in together. Hang in there.

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