I was in the hospital for three more days, during which time
my family came to help. I went to the NICU in a wheelchair through a long
underground tunnel each day, sometimes twice a day. There was not much I could
do there – I couldn't imagine how to change a diaper on such a tiny infant (her
diapers were smaller than my palm). We couldn't hold her or do any of the
medical things that needed to be done, and her skin was so fragile that we were
reluctant to touch her unless absolutely necessary. Her eyes were still fused
shut.
Baby M had surprised everyone by coming off the ventilator
within 24 hours of her birth. She received oxygen assistance through a SiPap
(similar to a CPAP for adult snorers). The headgear for the device covered
almost her entire head. She had several IVs which delivered nutrition and
medications and had monitor wires stuck all over to check her heartbeat,
respiration, and temperature. Her initial test results were mostly very good –
her brain ultrasound indicated no bleeds, and she began pooping right away so
we knew her digestive system worked.
We got to hold her for the first time when she was four days
old. A nurse wrapped her in a blanket and put her in my arms. That was the
moment when the full trauma of what had happened to us hit me. I wanted to fold
her up and put her back inside where she was safe, which of course was
impossible. Instead, I held my baby in my arms and I wept. I wept for the
natural birth I had planned for and now would never have. I wept for having had
to face the biggest fear of my life and surviving. I wept for Peanut who had to
watch his wife’s heart break. I wept for having only five weeks to come to
terms with being pregnant and not infertile after all, for having nothing ready
for her, for knowing that the next weeks and months and years were going to be
a tremendous struggle for her and for us. I wept because I thought I couldn’t
handle what was going to come next.
But I was wrong.
That half-hour gave me the strength to do everything that
has come since and everything that will come from this moment on. That was my
child, and I am her mother, and despite the traumatic beginning and the
short-term difficulties and the potential long-term problems, we will be fine.
To be continued…
LMM, I'm really enjoying this series. Just wanted to say thanks for sharing - reading your new posts every day.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading along!
DeleteOh Baby M, what a wee little bundle of surprises you've gotten! I'm wishing you all the best. Thank you for taking the time to write this.
ReplyDelete